World Champion Snowballer

(written this past Monday)

My heart is in my throat today. I’ve got that double-time tightening in my chest that leaves me super-sensitive to the everyday annoyances that a well-functioning adult should be able to shake-off with a gentle but stern reminder that no babies died . .. oh, wait . . .

As my husband expressed to my therapist – who nodded in agreement - in our first counseling session, I am a control freak. It was entirely appropriate to bring up this trait in a clinical psychology context since it is definitely a trait that tends more towards the pathological than the organizational. When my mood is off-kilter then the world is off- kilter as well, and I feel likely to roll right off the razor edge of order into the abyss of accident, loss, grief, disorder, isolation and imperfection unless I whip everything into ship shape. And as soon as I start rolling … well you know… I just keep rolling and rolling, gathering up all my fears and gripes with the Universe into an ever-growing ball of misery. I am a professional Snowballer. And don’t try to console me with stories of your own epic snowball sessions; ‘cause I’m the World Champion Snowballer and I train almost everyday, all day.

Joking aside, the heart-in-the-throat feeling can be summed up with one word – anxiety. Straight up fear. My whole nervous system hums with adrenaline and I am ready for a fight, poised to strike as soon as I’m struck. In this super-sensitive state of mind, I react very aggressively to the smallest imperfections. Today, for instance, I could barely tolerate my husband’s badly-cooked chicken and an unvacuumned carpet. In fact, I really didn’t tolerate it at all, but complained instead that the chicken he cooked was dry, the avocados he chose at the grocery were hard, and had his moratorium on washing utensils now expanded to blenders as well? It was the kind of seemingly innocuous negativity and judging that poisons a relationship – slowly and surreptitiously. I am afraid that my anxiety and depression (and now I need to add envy after reading a couple of y'all's posts on the subject) in general, and infertility in particular, could poison my relationship and my life irrevocably.

Who knows why the anxiety is up today? Could be that it’s Monday. Maybe I drank too much this weekend. Both are likely reasons. But I also think it has something to do with the fact that I got my period today which means that I am supposed to call my RE and make an appointment to do an xray of my uterus. And that makes me scared. Not scared that they’ll find something wrong – that might be a relief. Just scared. Scared to move forward, scared of the impending decisions, scared of success, scared of failure, scared of life. Scared. And unfortunately, I have yet to discover a decompression strategy that doesn’t involve adult beverages or prescription medication.

On days like today (and there are more of them than not), when my inadequate coping mechanisms are so starkly revealed, I wonder if I could really handle the messy, unpredictable, uncontrollable world of children. Maybe I’m better off limiting the victims of my anxiety-driven rampages to my long suffering husband. Really, truly - maybe I should just let this go . . . except that that thought causes equal amounts of anxiety.

Let me ask you all, how do you cope with the fear and anxiety?

And where’s my mojito? Seriously, where did I put it?

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P.S. Thanks everyone for your comments. I don't have internet at my home in BFE, and I work in the same 10 ft by 10 ft office as my boss. So getting time to read and respond to blogs and comments isn't easy for me. But I'm reading all of them and soaking it all up.