Thursday, November 11, 2010

Drama Rama

Ladies – to know that you are thinking of me and wondering how I am. Well it warms my heart. Thank you for checking in B and Roccie.

I am doing much better this week. I am amazed at how much better my outlook on life is when I don’t feel like the walking dead with indigestion. Feeling rested and being able to eat with a modicum of comfort have made a big difference.

I also broke down and bought some Metamusil this week since the intestinal backup was becoming urgent. Just FYI, when you see any pregnant woman in the first trimester rubbing her “pregnant belly,” she is basically giving her swollen, jacked-up bowels a good stroking. I was wondering what the hell was moving me into my size 10 pants so quickly, never having suffered from constipation before. I’m ordinarily suuuuper regular and thankful for that. Doc told me that it was my digestive organs moving further up in my abdomen as the uterus expands. I had no idea. I don’t know how I missed that the first three times, but I thought all that bloating was a swelling uterus. Nope. So all those stupid ladies who are 6 weeks pregnant and rubbing their bellies are just grabbing their stomachs and large intestines. I’m sure you all knew that, but if you didn’t – now you can take pleasure in their ignorance. I have been very “anti belly-rub” this whole pregnancy except when I grab my stomach out of a fit of mild nausea. And now I am so glad because how stupid would I have looked!

Also, I think it is no coincidence that I am also feeling better this week because I got to verify on Monday that the fetus is still alive and kicking. I was not due to check in on the fetus until this coming Monday (the day of the CVS procedure) and I could not fathom showing up for that very scary procedure to be told that there was no reason to do the procedure. So I called my doc on Monday and he saw me that afternoon. While we couldn’t find the heartbeat with the Doppler thingy (slightly distressing- so glad I haven’t gotten the fetal monitor yet), we were able to see the fetus with an ancient ultrasound machine. The little heart was flickering. It was also waving what I have brilliantly identified as its right arm/hand/bud.

So I was reassured, my system seems to be settling down, and I am only three days (one work day) away from the next big hurdle. So I feel very fine today. Very fine.

I am trying hard to avoid thinking about the CVS procedure. As you all know, it comes with a risk of miscarriage. That’s as far as I’m willing to discuss it. I will be flat on my back for all of Monday, and Tuesday as well if I feel any inkling that my uterus is twinging. Shit, I won’t even go in to work if I have a bad case of gas. I am completely horizontal next week for as long as I need. What else is there to say except if I ever needed your positive energy, it is on Monday at 10:00 am CST. Thanksverymuch.
In other news, this weekend, my insensitive friend, Belle, called me while she was making a long interstate drive; this is when we usually chat, during her hour trek on I-10. This tends to imply to me that she has no idea that we may need to have a "special" conversation as opposed to “the usual.” On the other hand, she has not sent me any other emails and this is the first time she has been in touch since she sent that dreadful email during the summer. I missed the call and she left a message. I had to have Jason listen to the message; I absolutely couldn’t face any number of things she might have had to say. Turns out she was just checking in on me, seeing how I’m doing etc.

So now I need your advice. I don’t know what to do with her. I have not called her back and feel absolutely no desire to. Even if I did decide to talk to her, I certainly couldn’t do it at this point while she is a few months away from pregnancy, clearly incapable of protecting my feelings, and while I am on the precipice of finding out if my pregnancy is viable. The most I could possibly do is email.

Secondly, I don’t think I am willing to carry on a charade of a relationship where I stuff my feelings down and simply protect myself from her in the future. I just felt that the situation was mishandled so miserably and my trust in her as a friend was so damaged that I wouldn’t be able to have any sort of relationship with her without addressing my feelings. It would almost violate my integrity.

I would love to just ignore her calls and emails and pretend like she never existed. Yet, despite what I FEEL, I KNOW it would be much more adult if I could acknowledge my feelings to her and clearly address why I have not been in contact. It is the fair, adult thing to do that gives her a chance to explain herself. It would appropriately honor the 16-year friendship we’ve maintained.

So what do I do? How do I address this? I could just ignore it and never speak to her again; but I don’t think that’s feasible. So do I send her an email that explains that I can’t talk to her now and, by the way, she really damaged our friendship? I don’t want drama; I want it to go away. But it feels wrong to so completely burn a bridge. I still feel some inkling of loyalty and duty to the friendship. Help.


B said...

I'm glad the fetus is still doing well :) Good luck for the CVS. Must be terrifying. I will keep everything crossed for you.

As far as Belle's concerned she hasn't given you ANY reason to be loyal to the friendship. I'd try and leave that out of the equation.

I wrote a letter ending a 11 year friendship once. I thought it was the honest thing to do. But immediately on receiving it the recipient called me in horror. So, be warned that that might happen. I would be really tempted to just reply to any contact with her with a really short impersonal email and keep doing that until it tails off. However, you could also write to Sars at as she often has extremely good advice about how to handle hard situations with friends and family - she might be able to suggest something sensible.

Nice to see an update :) Glad you're doing OK.

sienna said...

glad that you're doing okay. was wondering how you were faring, but didn't want to pry. will be thinking of you and sending you good thoughts for your procedure next week :o) i've said it before, but i hate your friend belle. you don't need her nonsense right now. is there any way that you can just send her a quick email saying, "yup, let's catch up. but have a zillion things going on in the next few weeks, so how about right after thanksgiving"? or something like that which buys you more time until you're feeling more secure with this pregnancy. glad that you checked in and that all is well!! xoxo.

sienna said...

ps - my coworkers are all speculating that i'm pregnant. i look 4-5 months pregnant right now bc i am SOOOOOOOO backed up as well. my pregnancy belly is ALL FROM LACK OF BOWEL MOVEMENTS. how embarrassing.

Lesley (and Eric) said...

Congratulations on everything continuing to go so well. I am so happy for you! I too am firmly anti-belly rub. So cheesy! As for your friend, I don't know. I agree with Sienna's suggestion.

bunny said...

I was actually thinking of you this morning, wondering whether your radio silence was the bad kind or the somewhat better kind. So it's a big relief to know that heart's still ticking. You will definitely be getting my good thoughts M at 10 central.

I actually believe sometimes the more adult thing to do is to just ignore someone. Of course, I don't necessarily recommend that you take my approach to relationships. But I figure people who are that ambushy and insensitive and hurtful just don't belong in your life right now. Plus, trying to communicate your feelings just sounds stressful right now. I say ignore her for the time being.

N said...

Good luck with your CVS. I hope it goes well and causes ZERO complications. I have an amnio that day too. I'm scared poopless, but not really as I am also backed up too.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Hoping the CVS went well.

I am sorry to hear about your friend, I do think it's noble of you to want to tell her how what she did was wrong. But, I also feel like someone like her, might not ever get it, and may try and turn the tables on you. At very least, now is not the time for you to address it, I would say.

Thinking of you...

Augusta said...

It's really nice to hear your voice again, M. I was wondering how you were doing and I'm glad that you and the fetus are generally ok. But I'm sorry about the digestive system unhappiness. That is bad news bears and I hope you start feeling very good again soon.

It sounds like the situation with your friend is tricky and made trickier by the fact that you probably don't have the energy to deal with it right now. You know, I've told that to friends in the past when we had a conflict and I was not in a good state to work on things with them. I said I could see we needed to work on things, but right now was not the time. I said I would be in touch in the future. This may not work for you and your friend, but I just wanted to mention it. I know you'll figure out what's the best thing to do for now. And we'll be here to support you in that decision.

Sending hugs.

blue.bell.beat said...

To me, a friendship shouldn't be in name only; so holding up your end for the sake of your history when she clearly isn't being a friend seems like a lot of energy for nothing... Friendships are give and take, and the giving waxes and wanes, but it should balance out in the end. I know the feeling of wanting to ignore it, pretend it isn't there - having a similar situation with a pregnant friend who is still a great friend, but totally unsupportive and never (literally NEVER) asks about us TTC. Guess she's not such a great friend?? And I'm totally avoiding the situation. And getting nowhere. I'm working up to talking to her. To clear the air and what will be, will be. I hope you can do the same, if only to eradicate the unnecessary stress – why keep replaying the same old record? (Pep talk to self here, also). Let us know what you decide to do/not do.

Nice to hear from you and that all is good so far otherwise :)

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