Wednesday, November 17, 2010

No go

We didn’t do the CVS.

It never even occurred to me that there would be a situation in which we would decide NOT to undergo the procedure; but as I should know by now, there are no guarantees in this game.

So I got to the maternal fetal medicine clinic on Monday morning with a VERY full bladder (as per instructions) and was in a foul mood because 1) Jason and I had had a fight the evening before, 2) I was very uncomfortable because of my bladder, 3) the doctor was late, and 4) I was fucking nervous.

So by the time we got into a room to measure baby etc etc, I was fit to be tied. Even though I had seen the fetus just a week before, I burst out crying when we saw the baby moving. My sobbing was so sudden and so contradictory to the happy situation we found ourselves in (baby alive, heartbeat there, measuring correctly, blah blah) that Jason was, I could tell, having one of those moments men have when they are completely kerflummoxed by a woman’s emotions. I surprised myself, so I know he was completely baffled. He just grabbed my hand and asked, “What’s wrong baby? Everything’s fine!” All I could say was, “I know.”

It felt like a release to cry and I am sure I was crying for a variety of reasons – relief that everything looked good, PTSD from the last time I had an ultrasound in that office (when we did the NT quad screen and everything looked fine, only to find out a week later that our test came back positive for chromosomal problems and then we subsequently miscarried at 13 weeks), and anxiety about the CVS procedure.

When the doctor finally arrived, I had had some time to collect myself, though he could tell I’d been crying. He was very kind AND he let me pee for 15 seconds – so I fell in love with him.

After looking around for a bit, he got up and, using the ultrasound picture on the monitor in front of me, pointed out the position of all my organs and then proceeded to explain how the position of the organs and the uterus increased my risk of miscarriage from the procedure. As you can see from my brilliant reconstruction of the ultrasound, my intestines were blocking the path from my stomach to the villi – that meant that entry through the stomach was 100% not an option - and the path from the vaginal canal would have required a risky 90 degree turn to access the villi.

He recommended waiting till week 15 when we could do amniocentesis; we agreed.

So, after another emotional roller-coaster ride, guess what I did? I went to the maternity store and spent $233 dollars on pants and some summer dresses and shirts that I MIGHT need if I make it to the summer. The pants I was OK buying (I need those); but I felt foolish and naïve for buying the summer clothes. Yet hope and excitement definitely triumphed. I haven’t even reached the date of my last miscarriage and I’m buying clothes that I can’t wear for another 4-5 months. My only excuse is that they were discounted significantly and my frugality (and, yes, hope) won the day. I will burn them if I miscarry.

I love the maternity pants and don’t know why we don’t wear these fabulous elasticized, stretchy pants ALL the time. They are so comfortable and have made my life about 50% better already. My gas-filled intestines and teeny-tiny uterus can hang as far out as they want – yay for elastic.


bunny said...

Bursting into tears sounds 100% natural. That was a hell of a lot of stress. I don't know jack about the relative risks and benefits of CVS and amnio, but I kinda like the part where you get a moment to breath (in your stretchy new pants!) before facing the possibility of bad news. And I love, love, love that you got some optimistic maternity clothes. Why the hell not? It's not the clothes that will kill you if something goes awry. Which I beg and plead that it will not. Oh, and nice drawing! I dig the needle!

Glass Case of Emotion said...

Yay for you and embracing those clothes. I say go for it girl. You deserve some happiness and not fear all the time. CVS seems so scary. I am glad the doctor didn't go ahead, thank goodness.

Augusta said...

Gosh, I so like the idea of holding off on the CVS. It sounds like it was NOT the right thing to do considering what you said about the position of the organs. And I like the idea of not disturbing that little fetus at the moment. He or she is very busy at the moment. Lotsa growing to do: Please Do Not Disturb.

And frak, of course you burst into tears!! That would be a heart beating in your chest cavity, correct? I'm so, so, so glad the fetus is doing well and hope with all the cells in my body that he or she will continue to grow and be healthy.

It's time for you to have things go your way.

Misfits said...

I love the illustration. I can only imagine myself in your shoes and I might bawl for an entire week when we get to that point. New pants and new beginnings! I hate that you have to look at those dresses and think of burning them with that horrible "if" hanging back there. And I'm still hardly daring to breathe on your behalf and sending all great, and CALM non-crazy-emotional-lady thoughts your directions.

N said...

Oh man, the waiting is so hard. I TOTALLY know how you feel. We were all geared up for CVS, then I chickened out and wanted to do the amnio cause it has lower risk of adverse side effects. Then the amnio was delayed 3 times. (You may have read those posts) The anxiety is better but still killing me, since I don't have results yet. Good luck!

sienna said...

you gave me a heart attack with the title of your post! that really stinks that you were all ready (mentally at least) for the test, and that you can't go forward with it, BUT ... you got to see the baby again, and i believe amnio's are easy to perform (am i wrong)?? so, more anxiety, but good to know that you won't be harming baby bc the ole intestines are in the way. positive thinking and may time FLY BY until not only 16 weeks, but the end of the pregnancy in 6-ish months. i just want us to all be able to hold our healthy babies and not have all this anxiety. i'm scared too. hang in there :o) xoxo.

Lesley (and Eric) said...

Ugh!!! I totally understand the emotions, and I'm SO glad that the dr. didn't get all ego-trippy on you and insist on doing the extra scary 90 degree needle turn. I'm sorry you have to wait for amnio, though. Maybe you should just skip it all, and assume that the baby is fine... which it IS!!! No, I understand the need for reassurance though. I did not do these procedures, but it makes sense to me why you would want to.

Roccie said...

Thanks for taking the time to support me when you had such a whirl wind going on in your own head. These tests are terrifying to say the least. I know a lot about them.

bunny said...

P.S. Thank you for "old friends are hard to keep." That's it in a nutshell. And I hope all is well(ish--I'm not expecting skipping and singing with carefree joy or anything) with you.

B said...

i'm glad you had a sensible doc who gave you the gen. fingers are crossed that all stays well.

blue.bell.beat said...

It has to be an amazing feeling to see your little one, beyond emotional. BTW, passing on the good mojo with a little blog award! You can see it on my 11/28 post :)

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