It's Sunday which means that tomorrow is Monday and I have to trudge through another week. I just want to sleep until this is all over because when I am awake, all I can think about is what is wrong with my life, including (of course), but not limited to, children. Relationship, house, job, money. It could all be worse, I should be thankful for what I have. Blah blah blah blah. I can't handle positive thinking.
Every waking moment is a thought that leads to fear. I could be thinking of kittens which would lead me to thought of my dogs who are outside in their pen right now and weren't exercised properly this weekend. So if I can't take care of a dog properly, how am I going to take care of a child? Perhaps I'm just not cut out for parenthood.
OR
I'll be reading a really good book which i'd like to recommend to book club, but that makes me think of all of the invitations I have not returned because I don't want to invite the stress of giving a charming party and being a charming host to people who have achieved more in their careers or who have more beautiful houses.
OR
I'll think about writing a post for this blog then balking because I spend all day in front of the computer and it'll take me an hour to get my thoughts together (this fabulous post has taken me a 1/2 hour so far). Who cares what I'm going through, what...
christ.
I can't piece together a correctly-spelled word let alone a post. Excuse my pity-party - but I am going to put it up because it is the stark reality of me in this moment and I didn't start this blog to hide things.
I don't know the way out of this fear and sadness. That's all. I don't know the way out. I don't know what to do. I just want it to be over.
About Me
- Melanie
- A city in the South
- Damn. I changed my template and lost my info. Now I have to "describe" myself again. This is the worst. Allright ...let's see. I'm a graphic designer. I have a husband I married in April 2010 and 2 dogs - enormous black labs. I live in a rural area and have a 40 minute commute 2x/day. I don't like to cook but I wish I did. I have dual citizenship. I have discovered a love for wine which I can't enjoy now. I have never had my own office. I have a great big sweet tooth. I get anxious before going to my book club and before throwing a party. I like to read. I used to bite my nails, now I grind my teeth (don't worry I have a mouth gaurd). I am a very impatient driver. I have a brother and a sister and my parents are still married. I am 37 years old. Good enough? OOPS - I almost forgot. . . I'm a recurrent spontaneous aborter.
3 comments:
Ugh. So sorry you're going through this spell. Hoping that things will turn for the better ... sooner than later.
And if later ... no reason why you can't be your unadulterated self right here on your own blog.
Keep writing and I'll keep reading.
I could have written this post (in fact, I think I have, but not as eloquently). I am with you about the blogging feeling a little self-indulgent too...but at least for me, it's worth it. I go back and forth as to whether or not I care if anyone is reading.
I'd love to say it gets better, because it does. But this stupid fertilty challenge does wane at some point and even if it feels so wrong to do those things with other people, it's worth it in the end. You will find some solace in distracting yourself from all those heavy thoughts. Looking forward to keeping up, so I hope that baking won't beat out blogging too much of the time!
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