Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Off My Game

Let me preface this post by saying that every time I think about writing, I get a little spurt of anxiety – whether it’s performance anxiety or whether it has to do with the subject matter, I’m not sure. At any rate, I get a nice shot of adrenaline that lands square in my very upset stomach, precipitating a surge of nausea that makes blogging completely out of the question. I can’t even read your blogs. I get through work, drive home, and collapse on the couch in a teary ball because I’m so tired and my back hurts and and I’m hungry and turned off by food at the same time.

I am sooo off my game.

It was a week yesterday since my 6 week ultrasound. A horrible horrible surreal experience. I don’t think I have ever felt so keenly how my life can turn on a dime. It wasn’t a “what if” moment. This was an honest-to-god fork in the road and there I was laying helplessly on a table, legs spread, U/S wand invading my space – you know the drill. It really felt like a life-or-death game of Russian Roulette. Bullet or no bullet.

As you all know, this was the moment in which I found out if my husband and I were going to give up the dream of parenthood or whether we got to play more of the “waiting game.” I was at the mercy of the ultrasound tech who – irritatingly - didn’t seem to realize her pivotal role as the messenger of the Rest of My Life. Those ultrasound techs have no idea what an enormous impact they have on our experience and memory of these emotionally-laden moments. Little do they know they become very strong characters in the narratives of our fertility journey. I remember every one of my techs. Every one. Not what they look like, but how they delivered the news. How they reacted to my grief or my joy. I was pretty underwhelmed by the gal that told me she saw a heartbeat.

I couldn’t look at the monitor. I looked at my husband and made him look at me and just tell me over and over that we were going to be all right. No matter what. The ultrasound tech took too long for my comfort to tell me that there was a heartbeat. I’m sure it was a matter of, like, 15 seconds. But when she didn’t say something right away, I was halfway to me and Jason in a beach house we could now afford as a 2 person family.

So obviously, very good news. Heartbeat was 136 or 139 b/m and the fetus measured at 7 weeks. Bonus week! That is one less week of worrying. Turns out I ovulated really really really early. Like 3-5 days after the last day of my period. Guess my body wanted to get this whole mess over with as expediently as I did.

I am now at 8 weeks and our next hurdle is on Nov. 15th when we have the CVS procedure. In the meantime, I am treading water and I will try to be a better support to you all.


sienna said...

yaaay on seeing the heartbeat!!! do you think a doppler will make you feel better between appts? hang in there :o)

Glass Case of Emotion said...

This is very good news. Please do hang in there. I know exactly how you feel.

Augusta said...

Wonderful news about the heart beat. I'm so happy for you, and cautious in my joy. I realize that you need to wait until you throw a party. I'm not sure at what point you will feel secure in the pregnancy, if ever? My hope is that you get to find out.

Please don't be too hard on yourself about blogging or not blogging, commenting or not commenting. Our lives are filled with so MANY obligations. Wouldn't it be nice to just reserve the blog world for when the fancy strikes us? I wish that for you (and for me :)

Take impeccable care of yourself, dear woman. Your body is doing a lot of work, and so is your heart.
Hugs from Augusta

Lesley (and Eric) said...

That's wonderful! I know exactly what you mean. It IS like russian roulette, good analogy. I'm sorry you;re feeling crappy, but hey, at least it is a sign that the baby is healthy! It's a looooong wait till 12 weeks, and then it's still a long wait. But less fraught. I hope it passes as quickly as possible for you.

B said...

i'm glad all is well at this point. such a long time until a (hopefully) living baby. i hope you get there.

blue.bell.beat said...

Good news!

Anonymous said...

We have very similar histories. Its terrible to not be able to rejoice at the things others do, the news you are pregnant, the first heartbeat. I fear that us RPL-ers will never have a moments joy until a baby is in our arms. I hope that is not the case for you. I hope once you get into the second trimester, you can take a big, deep breath and smile and enjoy the ride. I have everything crossed for you, its not enough of course, but its all I can do! I wish you only goodness! x

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing this. And like others have said, I hope you will come to a less anxious place about blogging--it's your space to do what's going to be helpful for you, and if it's making you anxious then you're totally right to step away for a while.

bunny said...

Sounds absolutely terrifying. I mean, I was scared shitless and don't have your history. But this is a great and wonderful and important step. I'll be thinking of you as you wait for the next one.

Misfits said...

This is a time to be all about you if ever there is one. That heartbeat is damn fine news! It's perfectly reasonable to be weary of this and terrified, but I am glad you haven't gone away.

I can't wait for that kind of news from the six week look, and beyond thrilled for you. Great thoughts sending your way and holding my breath for the cvs.

Roccie said...


You know this is the big one.

I am so so very happy for your little family.

What a great story to share.

Roccie said...

You have been awfully quiet. I trust all is well on your end.

I hope you are not worried about your test next wk. Worry is the worst form of torture.

Thanks for the encouragement. Yesterday sucked.

B said...

just wondered how things are going with you?

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