I have re-read my posts and I think I am a horrible monster. I am really really an angry, temperamental little bitch and I don't know how my husband puts up with me. If I could see past my enormous reserves of self-pity, self-righteousness, and self-indulgence, I might be able to process my sadness and my anger without bathing in it.
I have been just awful to my husband. Unloving and unfair. I see a pattern in these posts, and I don't like what I see. I see a whole lot of anger and frustration taken out on my husband. Do you see the same thing? Tell the truth, or tell me your story.
I blame everything around me for what I perceive is wrong with my life and 1) there actually is nothing wrong with my life except that I haven't had a child and 2) none of what might be wrong with my life is anybody else's fault. But since I have no one to blame, where does all that anger go? I think I need to look up some self-help on anger.
-------------
I also realize that I have been ignorantly jumping the gun trying to assess the nausea I have been feeling. It is unlikely that at a mere 7dpo, I could have been feeling nauseous from HCG production; implantation would probably not have occurred by then. I think the culprit is actually coffee on top of an empty stomach that is irritated by emotional stress and pre-natal vitamins. I am not taking very good care of myslef.
Yesterday at 22CD I took my first pee test. Negative. I am more upset than I thought I’d be considering I’m at the earliest possible test date. I’ve been barely, barely staving off madness. I had to stay three nights in a row in town instead of making the 40 minute commute since my innate impatience presupposes that every single other driver on the road is out to make my life miserable – for 40 minutes – 2 times a day. You can see why I opted to just stay in town (where we rent a room in my friend's house for just such emergencies) rather than pop a blood vessel.
On an ironic note, I am eagerly searching for blood on the TP after peeing. I WANT there to be blood because that will indicate implantation. Each time I've been pregnant, I bled a little at implantation time. So that gives me a little knowledge ahead of the curve. So far no blood ... obviously.
I’ll know pretty much for sure in time for Labor Day, so I’m looking forward to seriously tying one on if I’m negatory.
About Me
- Melanie
- A city in the South
- Damn. I changed my template and lost my info. Now I have to "describe" myself again. This is the worst. Allright ...let's see. I'm a graphic designer. I have a husband I married in April 2010 and 2 dogs - enormous black labs. I live in a rural area and have a 40 minute commute 2x/day. I don't like to cook but I wish I did. I have dual citizenship. I have discovered a love for wine which I can't enjoy now. I have never had my own office. I have a great big sweet tooth. I get anxious before going to my book club and before throwing a party. I like to read. I used to bite my nails, now I grind my teeth (don't worry I have a mouth gaurd). I am a very impatient driver. I have a brother and a sister and my parents are still married. I am 37 years old. Good enough? OOPS - I almost forgot. . . I'm a recurrent spontaneous aborter.
4 comments:
it is unfair to your husband... but that's what we humans so. we lash out at those closest. because it is unfair and crappy and there isn't anyone to blame. but the anger needs to go somewhere, so often those we love get caught in the crossfire.
it doesn't make you a monster, though. i can promise you that. it makes you hurt and angry and grieving, but not a monster.
i'm 10DPO today and have been trying to analyse the facts that a) i'm off caffeine (and i LOVE my caffeine, only gave it up while pregnant), b) i'm really tired (but then i'm not sleeping long enough as i'm not going to bed early enough) and c) i've been feeling a bit sick (but like you say there wouldn't be enough HCG to cause that yet) into meaning that i'm pregnant, but like you imply, anything like that would only be wishful thinking this early on.
fingers crossed for you.
I think we all have those moments with our husbands. It's like buildup. That bad juice has to go somewhere, or we'll explode. I try to be mindful of it, but it's hard sometimes. And I think recurrent loss just has a knack of making us morose, and if you're not naturally inclined to throw yourself a pity party (impossible NOT to do so under these circumstances) then that's one more thing you end up beating yourself up over.
I'm crossing fingers for you. The prenatals make me sick but, I swear, once or twice in pg cycles I've had very early nausea. C'mon T.P.. I nice little crimson Rohrschaech would be awfully nice. (I find myself looking for those hopefully, too).
Thanks for your comments on my blog - I'm glad to be reading about you. Or, not "glad", you understand - always a gut blow to find someone else in this recurrent miscarriage club. But it's good to make your acquaintance.
Skype at Adele's house. Exactly.
My law, I know your troubles in the bath my friend. My thoughts are with you.
So normal. Unfortunate, but normal... I always think my hubby should know my every wish and emotion and anticipate my every need (fertility related - mostly - because I don't want to verbalize most of the time. Wish he just KNEW). Needless to say, it doesn't work out that way. We've worked really hard to keep it together - more than that, to keep it sane/happy as much as possible. Hard work... But you're not alone, it comes with the territory.
Post a Comment