Office Politics

First I want to thank all of you that offered your (whisered) :) congratulations on my news. I was surprised by your good wishes; I don't know why except that I am always taken-aback that anyone cares or that anyone else might feel hope where I mostly feel dread.  And I certainly worry that I will lose you. I don't think this is the first time I have expressed that I am surprised by comments; I think I said the exact same thing. Sorry.  But I LOVE them.

I also still LOVE my new OBGYN. The day I called to let the office know I was pregnant, he called me personally and wanted to go over my care plan with me again - just to make sure he was doing what I needed him to do. At first, I had contemplated not even measuring HCG because it wasn't going to alleviate any worry on my part; all three of my former pregnancies featured normal HCG levels. But I decided to go ahead and do the blood work so that I would get a heads up if there was a potential problem. He had some fancy clinical term for it, I can't remember what it was. But basically, normal result indicates nothing, abnormal result indicates potential problem.

I got the official confirmation that I was pregnant that same day (HCG 144) at work.  As I was leaving the office I stared at the wall for about 10 seconds, trying to decide if I was going to tell my boss (who shares an office with me). This would have been my fourth pregnancy announcement to her - she has been there for all of them.  

My boss is a very kind understanding woman and has been very good to me through some of the lowest points in my life. She has never balked at giving me time off and offers just the right amount of concern and privacy. But she is my boss, bottom line, and I am in an extremely vulnerable position emotionally. I hate having to reveal such intimate details of my life to my boss. I want to be Super-Capable and Together employee, not flakey, grief-stricken liability.  These cracks in my armor just leave me too exposed; and my boss, while always kind to me and someone I do honestly believe is my ally, has a very very sharp tongue when it comes to people she does not respect. She will rip someone up and down behind their back and then be totally normal to them to their face. It's pretty vicious and  unsettling because I do think she has a tender heart and that she's compensating for this tenderness by being unnecessarily aggressive. Not one of her better characteristics, obviously. It's the one thing that stops me from completely relaxing around her because I don't think I'm magically beyond her displeasure.

Secondly, while Jason and I were going through our rough patch during the summer, I had decided that I couldn't stand my life any longer and something had to give. So I began to seek other employment and revealed my plan to my boss (against all my friends' advice ...  I just didn't know how to get around the issue that I need her as a reference).  So, always favoring honesty over any kind of deception (cause I suck at it), I told her that it was unclear whether Jason and I were going to try again and that if I wasn't going to be a mother, then I would be "rich and famous." That was said with the appropriate amount of sarcasm, by the way, because I am so not going to be rich and famous - but I would like a job that pays more. She was cool about it and we had a nice little heart to heart. But now I just feel like a total flake for yanking her chain (though not purposefully) about seeking other employment and then turning around and laying another pregnancy scenario on her.

Finally, knowing how clueless  people can be with respect to the pain IF causes when they havn't experienced IF themselvees, I was concerned about how to express in an appropriately dry, business-like manner  how much this is going to FUCK ME UP  if it ends in another miscarriage. That if I need to fall off the edge of the world, or I bite her head off, or have to spend a few more days in inpatient psych care, I'd sure love it if I could do all that and know that I have a job waiting at the end of it. 

I told her.

My announcement went like this: "Well, I know I'm  like to give you whiplash, but ... I'm pregnant again." (cause that's how we talk in the Dirty South). And then, with all the not-so-subtle nonchalence I could muster, I explained that this was our last time trying and outlined how I might have to take my remaining vacation and sick days. As usual, she was understanding and accomodating and a perfectly good boss. And I almost immediately had a wave of regret; I wasn't ready to tell.  But I suspect I wouldn't have been ready to tell for months.  And I needed to go get blood drawn on Thursday after lunch .....  soooo ...

I did get my blood drawn today (Thursday) and my HCG has more than doubled. Not really surprised. First ultrasound scheduled for October 18th so I will be an increasingly awful employee. I sure hope she understands.